Tuesday, September 11, 2007
hey guys. guess i'm the most regular "post-er" here. cos maybe i'm the only one that posts stuff? other than pris' almost one week ago's entry.
i dunno what i'm feeling now. but i'm really stressed out. now is like almost 1am. and have a long work day infront of me tmr. maybe working seems very fun to u guys especially when i make myself out to be like very slack but sms-ing u all here and there. and still can practise songs and stuff. maybe i'm the only "free" one around.
my life is screwed up too. have to struggle with pressure from the older ones about leadership due to inevitable age gap differences and stresses.
one thing i can say is i almost cried when i felt on sunday all of u had to leave just like that. ya i know what u guys are gonna tell me "not everybody is as free as u". ha...then maybe u dunno my schedule. i can give alot of time to ogling at girls or going out with friends. and i do, but i just dun let it clash with my time that i want for church and christian stuff. do u know how many times during weekdays i meet the yf pple too? talking abt no time. i have no time too. for my other friends, i have very limited time. i still spend time with them. but i dun take away church time for them. thats crazy. what if they ask if they know abt it "if u have church event or gathering, why r u with us?"..i would definitely not answer "because u r more important".
even my meeting up with Mavis i said she had to wait for me until 6 plus b4 i can meet her. because every week. i said every week. we need to train up for the camp and everything that is coming up. maybe u think every week is too much. but i can tell u. once a week, may not be enough. how many weeks do we have left b4 the camp? less than 8 weeks. 8 practices? when maybe 4 of them, majority of u cant? i know u guys r busy, really busy. but all i ask is that u check this website out. leave comments. okay. maybe i'm selfish by wanting u guys to share stuff with me too. so its so usual that michelle -marcus, pris-yuqian situation. while me, i'm the one that pple go "huh? now then u know ar?"...not because i'm outdated or anything. but no one tells me. and when i ask, pple leave me in the dark too.
i dunno. i really dunno. just feel crying now. started this band, i know my vocals suck, my leadership does too. raise my voice at marcus. impatient sometimes. am a bad example of a christian too sometimes. i have my flaws. in fact, alot of flaws. and i wish to lead the band. i do feel insecure alot abt leading. or else why do i always ask "has my voice improved?"..and sometimes even want to quit myself. u think in my heart i want to quit? i dun hav confidence either.
i know u guys do love me, at least i think u guys do. but sometimes, truly, i dun feel it at all. i feel i'm like the nagger and i feel u guys do talk behind my back about how crappy i am. like how i bother u guys with sms-es. follow-ups and sometimes even lectures.
if u guys dun wan to use this site, its okay. i'll use it. and i'll fulfill the purpose of having it in the first place. saying things from the bottom of my heart to each of you.
before that, i really need u guys support because if u dont know, i've been fighting a case of getting u guys as a band into the serving God band in service. some pple agree that we can join. but not as a band. especially when i'm not ready to lead u guys in such a big manner yet. i have to start as a backup too. michelle too. but i do hope u guys can just support me by going for it.
pris will go back into the band but into my band with esther and yangkai instead. while yuqian will play some songs of mine when i serve until he is ready. now they r even saying luther is not very ready. so, yuqian, hang in there. they will get to u soon. trust me, u have potential. for marcus, get ur life right first. and get ur priorities right too. yangkai is willing to teach bass, but u r like losing it. if u really have the heart, u can learn and i can fight for u, but if u dont, no one really can help u abt it.
i'll start with michelle abt truthful words-
michelle, u have a great heart, u have a heart of wanting to Serve God. never in my life have i seen someone love God so much even b4 really even knowing Him and stuff. u will go far in ur walk but u have to stop procrastinating on coming to Yf and stop worrying abt being a new christian and thus, having problems to serve. as long as u have the heart, in service, u will grow. stay best friends ya? thanks for the encouragement here and there. and do in the week, contact at least one person from YF abt ur life. not prayer chain will help u more. dun reject calls and find excuses for the prayer chain. we all do. its hard. but its gonna be beneficial.
yuqian, beware of ur missionary relationships. it can either make u stronger by knowing what u really want in a girl next time or making a decision for God or tear u apart(being of more percent) due to priorities going to ur gf rather than God. its not gonna be easy. and we're not the Saviour. we're not the Saviour of pple. especially pple we love and they can misinterpret coming to church for u, in very big sense. even if they r a christian in church already. so what more a non-christian. i wont force u upon what u should do. but u should really think abt it. if its the small 1% that missionary relationships work out. why risk it and how is that gonna benefit u? in the long run, u would really want someone that really loves God too. and someone that can lead a life glorifying God, together with you. why not make sure she is that person b4 stepping into a relationship? it might be hard now. thats all the advice i can give u. keep up with the drumming skills and watch the ego. musicians will easily get it.
pris, always love u for ur the dearest cousin to me just like marcus. just the female version. really, u have to watch out with the "its hard, so we're not going to do it" mentality. cos in life, everything that needs a first step, needs courage and needs to be overcome. its not gonna be easy, but with that mentality, u will never dare to do anything. especially for God. but i can tell u, once u overcome it, there's alot to learn from it. i dun worry so much abt u. ur a very sweet girl but one problem u know urself is that u like to play it safe even with serving God. without really stepping out of ur comfort zone, u will never really experience God in many ways. its gonna be hard and courageous to say u want to step out, but for God, its worth it. and if u dun step out, ur not really doing anything for God. when the least we can do is serve Him for all He has done.
and lastly marcus, i really love u alot. really. give up smoking. its not gonna help u. ever since ITE, u seem to prefer ur friends to church friends. always thought u will stay fine since u love our church so much, u seem to have fallen short of that now. everyone still loves u, dun look down on urself. God can help u, but u have to help urself too. always be the happy go lucky cousin of mine, i need it. cos i'm the sentimental one, dun fall into how i am. its not gonna be good. maybe u felt that i dun really care ever since NS. dun have time to talk on the phone sometimes when u call. but really, sometimes u call at wrong timings. once i call back, u're like "nothing liao lar". where's the cousin that always shared stuff with me. sticked with me in everything. even in Canada. i really loved those times that we can spend together and really spend our lives knowing we're not perfect, but we know our happiness is in Christ Jesus. beware of who u hang out with, they may seem harmless, but as u know how u r. u have a problem saying no to things. maybe thats how u started smoking or maybe just peer influence. u and yuqian used to prioritise yf events over everything. thats why i say u guys should reconsider ur priorities again. ppl in yf need u guys. where's the marcus that scolded pple for not coming to church and the yuqian that promised that every saturday nights are for yf. now u guys even have problem coming for it. its not gonna encourage the pple by seeing the attendance like that. and we, me, u and yuqian are suppose to be regulars. the YF STARTED with US! and we're not gonna let pple take over. we have to be a part of everything. even if its small small things like just encouraging pple and being there in attendance.
i remember telling pris my reason of starting this band. that we all stay close. grow together. have a same interest in music, use it for God. and slowly be a band that ministers to pple in service. i've been battling it out with koh peng and the others abt our band serving, but its not gonna happen if we dun show ourselves mature in faith or skills. and commitment to what we do. esther used to always support us. but now seeing u guys come to yf so irregularly, how is she gonna conclude that we've grown instead or concluding we're backsliding?
stay strong k band. my main purpose in life indeed is music. but bigger purpose is God. so i'm connecting those two with our band. using music4God. but to minister to the pple. i cant always be holding the guitar and the melody. i need pple to be with me, be the backbone, be the life of the music, and the harmonies and melody. u guys r the reason i'm actually a leader in this yf. and u guys have been my main concern ever since this year's new year resolution.
saw it in u guys in the music and the chemistry we have as a band. hope i was not wrong.
love u guys always.
pen off.
12:45 AM, & i live by faith and not by sight for you
